Beer. It’s not only terrific for suppressing emotions, it can really come in handy when you have to buy a gift for that dude with the beard in your office’s Secret Santa exchange. And what better way to find said beer-related gifts than the dark and lonely recesses of the Internet.
1. Reclaimed Rope Beer Lanyard
$15.99 at Hoomsent.com
Reclaimed Rope Beer Lanyard is not only a great Guided By Voices album, it combines three of life’s greatest pleasures: reclaimed rope, macramé and beer. Make that four of life’s greatest pleasures—I forgot the word “lanyard.”
2. Beervana Brewga leggings
$39 at SudsyStyle.com
Way cooler looking than peanut butter leggings, these apexes of fashion give your gams a jolt of sudsy refinement, while at the same time making it appear that half your body is full of delicious beer, which probably isn’t far from the truth.
3. Beer Time Flip Flops
$40 at CafePress.com
In another era, this could have been humankind’s fire, wheel or polio vaccine. Instead, it’s just a pair of flip flops that look like beer. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
4. Canadian Rider Beer Can Chicken
$35.99 at Etsy.com
There are few sights more unsettling than beer can chicken. Seeing your dad cry and beer can chicken. Thankfully, this little Etsy wonder adds some bad assery to the cooking process. That’s right, in addition to sticking an open can of beer inside a chicken’s orifice, this handmade contraption will make it look like the chicken is riding a motorcycle. Sweet.
5. Beer Chilling Coasters
$51.40 at UncommonGoods.com
Bring a Stonehenge vibe to your beer-drinking experience beyond the usual druid-like scent of urine that your hair can’t seem to shake. Plus these “chillable” coasters are made from reclaimed New Hampshire granite, which will sound super impressive at a house party if you say it while twirling your moustache or stroking your Vandyke.
6. Beer Athletic Knee Socks
$11.95 at Amazon.com
Harkening back to an era before craft beer was even a dimple in your burgeoning belly, these knee-high athletic socks will make your doughy calves sing. So what if that song is Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is.”
7. Men’s Lager Beer Socks-in-a-Can
$19.00 at UncommonGoods.com
In the past few years, flamboyant or “jazzy” socks have become a source of solace for man children and urban hipsters looking to add a little flare to their pasty, beard-hair covered bodies. Although these tread a little too closely to the realm of joke gift to be fashionable, they look damn refreshing, which is something that has never been said about the gnarled tree stumps you call feet.
8. Good Night Brew
$25.50 at Chapters.Indigo.ca
Combining a classic children’s book with alcoholism hasn’t been this charming since Maurice Sendak’s Where the Wild Things Get Hammered on Lukewarm Baja Rosa. Ann E. Breiated—get it?—and Allie Ogg’s adult parody of Goodnight Moon, about tucking a brewery in for the night, really goes for it. So much so, it’s described in the press materials as a “pitcher” book. What fun.
9. Locally Brewed Onesie
$15.99 at Etsy.com
I’m not sure if the implied message of this adorable baby item is that your child was conceived after a blurry evening in barley town or that the baby’s mother is the human equivalent of a fermentation tank. Either way, it’ll give your child the foundation he, she or they needs to become a productive member of society with a manageable number of parental issues, anxieties and resentments.
10. Chill Baby Li’l Lager Baby Bottle
$14.99 at ToySense.ca
Speaking of alcoholism and toddlers, the Chill Baby Li’l Lager Baby Bottle is pretty much like its name suggests. A baby bottle that looks like a bottle of lager. Funny, my 10-month-old nephew was more of a double dry-hopped lactose gose fan.
11. Jumbo Jelly Beer
$21.40 at PrezzyBox.com
All the taste and 10 times the calories, this giant jelly mug of diabetes is 14.1 ounces of beer-flavoured fun. And by fun, I mean celibacy. Who are you trying to kid.
12. Beer and Food Pairing Guide Towel
$20.56 at UncommonGoods.com
Everyone knows tea towels are great for cleaning up spills, tending to kitchen knife accidents and wiping the sweat from your brow when no one’s looking, but sometimes they can also be informative. Case in point: the Beer and Food Pairing Guide Towel. Printed in an array of autumnal colours, this helpful rag includes 61 food entries and 40 beer styles, for 2,440 combo possibilities that you might even consider before being seduced by that Costco-size bag of Funyuns… again.
13. Craft IPA Beer Shampoo and Conditioner
$19.95 at DuffysBrew.com
Your skin, breath and kissing practice pillow already smell like beer, so why not go all the way and actually wash your hair in the hoppy stuff—provided you actually have hair and take showers. Why IPA shampoo and not Hefeweizen or Farmhouse Saison? It’s one of life’s great mysteries next to who let the dogs out and why hasn’t anyone opened a Rick Springfield-themed burger restaurant called Jessie’s Grill yet?
This story originally appeared in the Fall/Winter 2020 issue of The Growler, out now! You can find Ontario’s favourite craft beer and cider guide at your local brewery, select retail stores, and by subscription here.